This week, amongst many other things, has been very, what's the word,
Maybe some of you know, maybe you don't, but had it not been for my marriage to Erik, I would basically be an orphan. That sounds really bad, but it's true. My father passed away after committing suicide on my sixteenth birthday, September 9th 2008. My grandmother (who was like a mother for me growing up) passed away on March 18th 2013 from stage 5 cancer, and my mother died just four weeks after her on April 27th 2013 by accidentally falling down her stairs at her house in Illinois. Not to mention, 2013 was just rough all around. Erik's grandmother passed away suddenly on August 28th 2013, and we suffered our miscarriage just a month later on September 26th 2013.
Ok, so back to me "holding in a lot." I guess this past weekend, driving through Katy where E and I live, but also the second city my father and I lived in along together, I started noticing that most of the places where my father and I would spend time together are gone. Most of them were food places because we would have dinner dates every week, just me and my single father. It was nice! But now I feel as if he is disappearing from my life. Really, I feel as if my mom, dad, and grandmother are just disappearing from my life. I hate that more than anything!
Sunday was beautifully busy with church and gym and meal prep, it was just glorious. But then Monday came. Oh Monday...E got into a car accident. Thankfully it was not horrible but there is damage to his truck that we will need to get fixed.
I just feel like this week is testing my patience.
But then, I remember the quote that the preacher said on Sunday during the service..."Be grateful in the good times, and faithful in the bad times." This really sunk in. It hit my heart hard. Too often I feel like it is so easy to turn away from God when things are tough. Obviously, E and I have dealt with our fair share of TTC drama, but sometimes you can feel like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear your prayers.
I used to feel this. After our first miscarriage, it was so hard to be faithful. It was so hard to see the good when so much bad had filled our lives.
I used to feel like that.
Now, I see the good in everything. I can take any day of the past week
through today, and can point out the beauty in the darkness.
Saturday, I saw the beauty of memories and how thankful I am that God gives us the opportunity to remember loved ones. How horrible would life be if we just suddenly forgot them after they left Earth. Sunday, I saw the beauty of a church and the movement and power of God's words. Monday, I saw the grace and promise in God keeping my husband safe during his accident because Lord knows that it could have been very different. Tuesday, I saw the blessing that E and I have received news that everything is perfect and healthy between the two of us for our upcoming TTC cycle. And today, even seeing the clouds roll in, I am reminded of the grace that God allows us to have rain and shine, because everyone wants the fun in the sun but occasionally we can enjoy a relaxing evening to the sounds of soft rain pouring down. I feel like there is always a way to find the good in this world and too often people choose to see the bad. I can say that no matter where this life takes us, I will always have the desire to find the good, the beauty, and the happiness that God provides in each and everyday. And as I eagerly look forward to AF starting and getting this new TTC journey on a roll, I am again reminded of God's promise for us to "go forth, be fruitful, and multiply" and know that Thy will be done!
God Bless and Baby Dust
