Back to that thing on my mind...recently I was talking with a friend about my 3 years long TTC journey. And as we were talking, she reminded me how she "briefly" struggled. Now, please don't take this the wrong way. But if you only "struggled" for less than a year to get pregnant, then that wasn't really much of a struggle was it? Sure, you probably had some frustration and heartache in there, but less than 1 year verses the likes of couples such as E and I who have had this battle on-going for 3+ years...So, she reminded me about her "brief" months of TTC and how she was so upset and angry. She talked about how she tried X, Y, and Z things and nothing worked until she finally just "gave up." Then BOOM! She was pregnant!
Well here's the thing...let me just let you in on an extremely short version of my TTC journey with E.
For the first year of TTC we had no idea why we couldn't get pregnant but assumed it was due to no ovulation or PCOS. To our surprise, I had no PCOS but was right on the money with the no ovulation part. The Dr put me on Provera to start my period (since I barely ever had one), then drugged me with Clomid and this continued for 5 rounds. We got pregnant after the second round of 100mg Clomid but lost the baby at 10 weeks. Then, we got pregnant again after the four round of 100mg Clomid but lost that baby at 6 weeks. Now, I am facing Provera, Clomid, Progesterone, countless ultrasounds and blood draws, and yet all my tests keep coming back perfectly fine! Guess you could call it "Unexplained Infertility." Well, you can imagine the frustration when people (not just friends and family) say things like: "just relax, it will happen" "oh don't worry, I struggled for a few months too and it happened pretty fast" ect., ect., ect.
I would never wish infertility on anyone, but sometimes it can be so annoying when people don't realize that it just isn't like that for some people. E and I have tried the "relax it will happen" all of 2014 and guess what? I didn't have but maybe 2 cycles with 0 ovulation and surprise, surprise- I did not get pregnant! Sure 1 year maybe isn't enough for the time period people would like to hear but either way we tried it and nothing happened. We can't just sit around waiting for cycles that never happen, trying to get pregnant on cycles where I don't ovulate because I didn't take medication.
Maybe that's the most frustrating part. E and I really have no option but to use medication. We have both been tested and are absolutely fine. No major problems other than Dr's have no idea why we can't get pregnant on our own or keep the baby. At the end of the day, I just want people around the world to realize that infertility is a battle, a struggle, an on-going, endless circle of aggravation, sadness, and pain. It's not fun. No one wakes up and thinks, "I'd LOVE to be able to struggle through infertility for a few years, waste a whole lot of money, and get absolutely nothing out of it but maybe a few miscarriages and heartaches." Most of us TTC ladies wake up thinking, "My only dream and prayer is to be able to carry one, healthy baby to full term." Crazy huh? Half of the TTC community would celebrate every single day of the rest of our lives if we could just get one little baby and yet, there are people out there with two or more just waiting to find ways to get rid of them or complain about how hard it is and how "you should just wait" or "come babysit then you wont want children."
I guess this venting session was really just a way for me to get out all my thoughts. Maybe people need to see the heartache because even though I may seem happy all the time, I can promise you that my heartbreaks just the same as everyone else's. And that goes for the TTC community as a whole. Even the few that get pregnant in less than a year, I know their hearts break too from the sight of those negative pregnancy tests, bad news Dr's appointments, and degrading comments from passers standing by.
Let me just leave on at least a few good notes. 1) I have faith. I have faith that the Lord, my Savior, my God will keep His word for me to go forth, be fruitful, and multiply. 2) I have learned how to be grateful in the good times, and faithful in the bad times. 3) No matter what, keep going! I always remind myself that a dream or goal is worth the wait and the hard work. 4) Sometimes things don't go your way. Too many times TTC sisters turn their backs from God because they can't understand why we aren't getting what we want, when the truth is, God isn't giving us what we want because He has already planned what we need to fulfill our lives. And Lastly, 5) always find hope and grace in the journey. There are so many negative things to be said and thought about infertility, but bottom line is, the journey makes that healthy miracle baby all worth it. And, if you're lucky, will blossom a whole new relationship with your significant other.
God Bless, Baby Dust, and Well Wishes to my TTC Sisters
