Wow! It feels so weird to think that it is already Thursday!
I’ll be honest with you, I love my job, but I am so ready for a three day
weekend. I've been dying to get out on the lake or just water in general! We
are talking about taking a little trip up to Thunderbird Resort by Lake
Buchanan, believe it or not, that is where Erik and I were the week after our wedding
celebrating with family. It was like our family-moon. We didn't get to have a
honeymoon, but we did get to spend some quality time with Erik’s family which
turned out to make lots of memories we will cherish for a lifetime. I think a
mini-getaway is a must though! I have been dying to get outside and just do
something, anything, even fishing {I HATE fishing but hey if it gets me near
water … so be it!}.
So, we have 15 days until my doctor’s appointment and with
every day that passes, I get this immense feeling of grief. Erik and I recently
decided that if this round did not work, that we might just give it a break. I
will probably do another round of Clomid but make it a more relaxing time for
us. It can be very stressful to have to plan the nights you try and make a
baby. It’s exhausting to constantly be counting the days and nights until you have
to “do it” again. I’ll admit though, trying to have a baby has had its ups and
downs. There were times, before the doctors and the medications, where we couldn't wait to stop by the grocery store and get a pregnancy test. Now neither
of us wants me to take them for the fear of what those lines will show.
Although it was always a negative that we would see, we still kept our heads
high and kept trying, but there comes a time when you have to stop focusing on
baby and start focusing on your spouse and your marriage, the person and thing
you are committed to. I realized this a few days ago. Erik and I have been so
consumed in this trying to conceive game, that we have almost forgotten that
the best part of making the baby is making the baby {you know what I mean?}. I
think we have become numb to the negative signs on the pregnancy tests which
have made us numb to the excitement of trying to conceive. I know there are women who have tried for many
many years, spent countless and endless amounts of money, and have pulled their
hair out trying to have a baby with no luck, but I don’t was and never wanted
that for us.
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. From the very beginning,
holding my very first baby doll, I remember telling my father that all I wanted
in life was to be a wife and a mom, and that if those two things could come
true, then I knew I did what I was put on this earth to do. I am the oldest of
five, seeing each one of them grow up {practically raising most of them}, and even
doing babysitting for five years, I never once changed my mind about children. One of the two things I wanted to be came true,
(May 12, 2012) I become a wife to a man who is nothing less than absolutely
amazing! He is so supportive, even after 50+ ovulation tests, 100+ pregnancy
tests, 3 doctors’ appointments, 1 round of Clomid, 1 round of Provera, 1 year, 3 months, 1 week, and 4 days spent trying to conceive, and
countless tears trying to figure out why we weren't able to do the thing a man
and a woman are supposed to do. In the end, I we finally found Gods word and I we
have learned to trust in Him. I didn't realize it until a few weeks ago, but
the most important thing, is my husband.
I remember telling Erik that I didn't want to spend my whole
life trying to have a baby. I feel now, that our “time” of trying is coming to
an end. Although we do not know the results of this round (doctor’s appointment
is scheduled June 6), I still wanted to make Erik aware that after this, if we
did not conceive, I want to stop. We have been saying this for a few weeks and
finally came to the conclusion that for us, it is best that we put it off and just
be together. Maybe when the time is right, it will happen and if not, then we
will spend the rest of our lives trying to find ways to help children. Maybe
join a volunteer group that helps abused, neglected, or forgotten children,
maybe foster or adopt, or just give time mentoring and tutoring children who
might not be able to find that anywhere else. I will admit, it’s hard to just
stop trying when for my whole life I have dreamed of holding, kissing, loving,
and caring for a child of my own, but it is like I tell my husband, when do you
realize that enough is enough? Maybe “x” rounds of Clomid didn't work so we
move on to IVF, but what if after “x” rounds of IVF and thousands of dollars
spent we try “x” times fostering or adopting but end up waiting years before we
are granted a child, maybe we try “x” times to use a donor, but when is enough,
enough? When do you step back and realize that life with your spouse does not
and should not revolve around having a baby? Even though I would love to do
everything I possibly could, spend all the money in the world (that we don’t have),
and consume our entire relationship around babies, that is not the point of
marriage. God put Erik in my life because he is my companion, my best friend,
my “go-to” when times are tough, and if we had children, eventually they would
move away, get married, and have children of their own but if the 18 years before
that we didn't work on our relationship together, then what? We would have
nothing…
I must commend the couples that go through all the time and
money and years it could take, however Erik and I just do not feel that that is
our destiny. We support and pray for those who are trying. We hope that you get
the miracle baby you've always wanted and that God answers your prayers
quickly. Please know that we would never try to tell anyone else to stop or
give up. We encourage everyone to keep on going if you have the strength,
money, and time to do so. We will be right there beside you, praying and
cheering you on. I must say, we are very blessed to have Baby Colton (Erik’s
Aunts baby) in our life to watch grow, we also have our two best friends who
are expecting their first baby (our god baby), and we have other friends who,
in their own time, will have children too I am sure. And believe me, we will be
there right beside them cheering them on, watching their babies grow, and we
will be so very happy for them.
If this round of Clomid that we took worked, I will be the
happiest, luckiest woman in the world and I’ll know our prayers were answered….if
this round did not work, I will continue to thank God for the beautiful life he
has given me but I will spend every moment making my husband feel like he is
the greatest thing in the world {which he is!!}.
I want to thank everyone who has followed our journey, you
have all been a part of our lives and I cannot thank you enough for the prayers
and wishes you sent our way. We are forever grateful for you, especially those
who continue to follow us. We look forward to posting about day to day life.
Don’t think this end the end, oh no, it is just the beginning. We are looking
forward to moving to Katy, TX in July, looking forward to the birth of our two
best friends baby, we are looking forward to life and all that God puts in our
way, but most importantly, we look forward to happiness with each other.
We look forward to posting pictures from this weekend!!! We
hope you all have a safe and happy weekend and please remember to pray for a soldier
who will not be returning home. Monday is Memorial Day!
